The Most Profound of Thoughts
by That L Chap
Summary: I present to you a day in the mind of everyone's favourite headcrab: Lamarr. Chapter Two has now been posted, officially making this thing a series, go me! Anyways, be nice and give an addlepated writer some feedback.
1. Chapter 1: Of Bright Lights & Watermelon

A/N: Just thought I'd throw this one into the bear pit, don't really know what to think of it. It literally fell into my head, newly spawned and covered in goop. It was then that I realised that I was pregnant. But enough of this childish drabbling, on with the tale.

Disclaimer: I don't own Half-life. Valve does. Lucky b*st*rds.

The Most Profound of Thoughts

Freedom! Lamarr is free! No more too-small-box-prison. Box-prison remind Lamarr too much of big-falling-sky-box. Lamarr not like it in there, even though Lamarr had brother-sister headcrabs to talk to.

Lamarr must escape big-science-room and find one true love. Science-man-Kleiner must not catch Lamarr. This time Lamarr will be free forever.

Lamarr see science-man-Kleiner! Hide! Hide! Hide! Lamarr see metal-ceiling-tube. Lamarr is safe now. Must find way out.

Lamarr hear voices, listen quick!

"Everything alright Dr. Kleiner?" Lamarr recognise kind-lady-Alyx. Lamarr like Alyx. Alyx doesn't put Lamarr in too-small-box-prison.

"Oh, Alyx. Well, almost alright. Lamarr has gotten out of her crate again. If I didn't know betterm I'd suspect Barney of trapping and- My goodness! Gordon Freeman!

Lamarr lose interest now. But Lamarr still can't find way to escape. Wait- Lamarr hear more voices.

"Well is he here? Oh, there you are. Man, Gordon. You stirred up the hive."

Lamarr know that voice. Lamarr cherish it always. Voice belong to true-love-Barney. Quick, Lamarr hide in glass-tank-suit-room.

"Here we go - Argh!"

Lamarr love Barney. Barney first person Lammar ever see, back when Lamarr had beak. Lamarr followed Barney to big-science-room, but Lamarr was caught by science-man-Kleiner, who removed Lamarr's beak.

"Dammit, get it off me!"

"Lamarr! There you are."

Science-man-Kleiner! Lamarr must hide again. Wait - Lamarr see New Person.

"Don't worry Gordon, she's de-beaked and completely harmless. The worst she could do is attempt to couple with your head. Fruitlessly."

Lamarr no like Gordon-glasses-man. He look at Lamarr with scary-face. Lamarr see metal-ceiling tube again! Lamarr hide!

-- A few minutes later--

Lamarr hear more voices, and loud-scary-whirring-noise. Lamarr will investigate.

"Oh fiddle-sticks, what now?"

"It's your pet, the freakin' head-humper!"

Lamarr see bright-light-shiny! Lammer is hypnotisizedzed! Lamarr will jump and catch light!

Where is Lamarr now? Lamarr can't see big-science-room anymore! Lamarr is finally free!

Lamarr see more bright-light-shiny. What is happening to Lamarr?

Upside down! Lamarr is upside down! Wait... No! Lamarr is back in too-small-box-prison, Lamarr must escape agai-

"Oh goodness, there you are Lamarr. You gave me quite a fright! Anyway, I do believe it's your feeding time."

Lamarr escape later. Lamarr like watermelon-feed-time too much.

END

A/N: So that's it. As I said before I don't really know what to do with this, I'm considering turning it into a series, based on what I thought Lamarr could get up to throughout the Half Life 2 timeline. Let me know what you think using that magical button down there. Go on, it's a button. Oh so tempting. You know you want to.


	2. Chapter 2: Of Revolutions & Sparkles

A/N: So here it is, the epic second chapter of Lamarr's humorous adventures. After some decidedly positive feedback I decided to turn it into a series.

Thanks to all my reviewers:

RillyB. Dilly

Latte

el unico homble libre

xx-fyrefly-xx

Eternal Density

Ursal Faral

Rob

Disclaimer: Still don't own Half-Life. Neither do I own the special guest in this chapter, but I reserve my right to brutally murder other people's characters. Especially if they suck.

Chapter Two: Of Revolutions and Sparkles

"Now!"

What was that? Lamarr heard noise outside big-science-room door. Combine! Not good. Lamarr must protect science-man-Kleiner!

"Hey! A headcrab, quick, kill it!"

Kill it? What did Lamarr ever do to them? And wait a minute, Lamarr is a Lady, not an _it_! Lamarr is angry now! LAMARR DESTROY!

"Oh God, it's on my head! Get it off!"

Lamarr no longer has beak, but Lamarr still has claws! Lamarr attack!

"My eyes! My eyes!"

"Lamarr? What is all this racket? I thought I told you - of fie! Civil protection!"

"Get the scientist!"

Oh no you don't. Lamarr attack once more!

"Argh! It's on my face! My sweet, beautiful face!"

Uh oh, more of them. Lamarr has no chance of victory now. Wait, Lamarr has an idea!

"Hey, it's getting away, follow it!"

Lamarr has lured them into shiny-machine-room. Now Lamarr will triumph!

"Hey, what the heck is that? And why is it whirring?"

Whoops. Lamarr may have pressed wrong button on big-science-machine. Oh no, not the bright-light-shiny again! Lamarr doesn't want to be upside down!

"What the hell is happening? What in the name of all that's Holy is -

--Meanwhile, several thousand feet above the city--

-happening to me?"

As if on cue, the other members of the squad voiced their opinions on their current predicament.

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"I want my mom!"

"Argh!"

"I picked the wrong freaking day to quit smokin' pot."

Needless to say, the high velocity impact on the ground of several human bodies was quite shocking to anyone who saw it.

--Meanwhile--

Lamarr is lost. This is entirely not good for Lamarr. And Lamarr has no watermelon, and Lamarr is certain she has missed watermelon-feed-time.

Ooh. Lamarr sees purple-floaty-light! Lamarr will investigate. Purple floaty light has dropped a New Person! Maybe he has watermelon.

"What in the ... where am I?"

Lamarr is confuzzled. Why is New Person sparkly? And why are his eyes orange-weird?

"Hey, he's sparkling, he must be in league with the Combine. Get him!"

True-love-Barney is here! He will take care of Lamarr. Oh how Lamarr adores Barney.

"Wait, no! You don't understand! Im Ed-

Bang.

"Damn. Good shot shot Sir. You got him right in the eye."

"Thank you Jenkins. Now, we have to find Dr. Kleiner before - Argh!"

Yay! Barney has accepted Lamarr's love!

"Freakin headhumper1 Get ... off!"

"Want me to shoot it Sir?"

"No it's Kleiner's pet. He'd only get upset and use us in an experiment. Besides, we've got to find him before the Combine get him to the Citadel."

"What should we do with the headcrab, Sir?"

"Let it follow us I suppose. Ain't much we can do about it."

Sometime later...

Lamarr sees science-man-Kleiner. Lamarr must free him from ugly-face-Combine!

"Hey, the headhumper's found Kleiner. Men, with me!"

Lamarr see ugly-face-Combine get shot by true-love-Barney and Resistance-humans. Lamarr will help in battle. Lamarr charge!

"Goodness Lamarr, I thought I'd lost you. Lamarr wait, where are you going?"

Lamarr no longer care about big-shooting-battle with ugly-face-Combine and Resistance-humans, because Lamarr has found big-watermelon-box!

Lamarr loves watermelon-nom-time.

A/N: Feedback on this latest monstrosity would be appreciated, but please, no flames for Petoria's sake! And about the whole Edward Cullen *shudder* getting shot in the eye by Barney, that was a delayed response to the travesty that was the MTV Movie "Awards". Twilight winning over Slumdog and The Dark Knight? Seriously?!!

Ahem. Anyways, updates should hopefully be fairly regular, as I've finished college now (forever!), but as of yet I haven't planned any future chapters.

As always please leave a review. It makes us poor writer folk feel appreciated in this cold, cruel world. And as we know, the only morality in a cruel world, is chance.

Wait. What?

Ao-Seichi

P.S. I have cake! *nom*


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